Therapist reads “Financial Feminist” by Tori Dunlap
As a therapist, I know money is an important but taboo topic for people. It’s something people even struggle to talk about in therapy, which is unfortunate because it’s usually one of literally the first conversations I will have with clients (fees and payments for sessions). Whether it be from family members, the culture at large, or specific laws/regulations in the workplace, there is a continual message that this isn’t a topic we can delve into safely.
But I think we need to start having these conversations more — both in and outside of the therapy room. It’s crazy to think we could understand and work towards your well-being, and examine all the other patterns in your life without it also including your financial life.
That’s why I’m really excited to share my reflections on an amazing resource: "Financial Feminist" by Tori Dunlap. This is an invaluable book for people to not only grow in their financial literacy, but also for therapeutic growth.
In this blog post, I want to share my reflections on Dunlap's insights and dig into how you can use this book in your own process.
Reframing Money Struggles
One of the aspects of "Financial Feminist" that immediately struck a chord with me was Dunlap's way of reframing money struggles as part of larger systemic issues.
In therapy, I often witness clients burdening themselves with undue responsibility for their financial difficulties. However, as Dunlap correctly points out, these struggles are deeply intertwined with societal structures, familial influences, and historical contexts.
I help the clients that work with me to zoom out to understand the root causes of other psychological issues. You don’t just binge eat because you don’t know how to have self control around food — yes your own psychology plays a role, but also you received messages about food and emotional coping that was modeled to you in your family system. You had certain access to accurate nutritional information based on your school district’s budget. In this country there’s different levels of access to affordable nutritious food depending on where you live. All of that plays a role in your eating habits. Why would money be different?
There is a system at play in our world that wants you to disproportionately focus on only your personal responsibility in issues that are way bigger than that. When you do that you internalize crippling shame and frustration that typically works in a cycle to make the problem worse. We have to stop that.
When clients start to share with me about some of their money struggles, I often experience them as worrying that I’m judging them personally. And that’s just not it. I have found with eating, money, social justice issues, anxiety, depression (the list goes on and on) we can’t make progress unless we understand things accurately. So of course are going to find tools for you to change the part you can change, but also we are going to do that with understanding and compassion about the bigger context.
Money and Happiness
People need to stop spreading the lie that money doesn’t equal happiness. I was so glad to hear Dunlap's talk openly and clearly about this.
As a therapist, I see daily the detrimental effects of our capitalist system on mental health. So you won't hear me espousing a materialistic lifestyle in my sessions with clients. The lived experience, clinical wisdom, and the research facts just don't back that up. Accumulating things to keep up with people or just to have them, or trying to amass a certain amount of wealth just to have a certain number or status, will not make you happy. It will actually make you miserable.
HOWEVER, not having financial security, being in debt, not having the freedom and choice to leave bad situations -- in these situations, having more money actually DOES equal more happiness. Having enough money to actually do the things in life that are meaningful to you DOES make a difference. There have been actual research studies to back that with empirical evidence. Both people who have not enough money and people who are very wealthy score low in happiness/well being. People with middle incomes have the most happiness, because they have what they need, a margin for security, can make choices for their well-being, and have the power to do what’s important for them.
Self-Reflection and Narrative
Dunlap has so much practical advice for how to increase your financial health — from how to budget, save, invest, and more. But she begins her book by inviting readers to engage in self-reflection regarding their relationship with money. This is gold.
Understanding one's own narrative surrounding money is crucial for effective financial management. I've encountered clients who, despite outward wealth, grapple with a scarcity mindset, while others with fewer financial resources feel more secure and content.
I love the exercises she provides at the end of the chapters. I tried a few of them myself! One things she asks readers to do is reflect on their first money memory and see how those patterns still show up today.
My first memory was of being a small child, getting my allowance, feeling like it wasn’t enough, and then being asked to give a 1/10th of it to the church. I was surprised that even though I had so little (10 dimes) I was being asked to give more — and I realized that the amount I had earned wouldn’t be good enough to really do anything with (even the dollar store doesn’t have things you can buy for 90 cents!). I still see some of those feelings of scarcity, anxiety, and surprise when it comes to money today (also hello spiritual abuse!).
That story not only helps me understand my relationship with physical money, but also is a window into how my needs were responded to, the impact of my spiritual community on my emotional and psychological development, and my role in my family system. Money isn’t just money, it’s a narrative about value, needs, and security. Understanding your narrative is empowering and clarifying as you try to make changes to your financial habits, AND is going to help you understand so much more about yourself.
Do you actually not have enough money or is that a story you were told when you were young?
Can you really not save money or is that related to a pattern of ignoring areas of stress and shame and not looking at them so you don’t feel overwhelmed?
Do you believe there is something wrong with your character or goodness based on the number in your bank account?
What is this helping you cope with?
Mindful Spending
No matter how much money you make, being a ware of what you are spending it on and how it aligns with your values is an important part of feeling satisfied with your financial life. Mindfulness is paying attention to something without judgment — just seeing it for what it is and accepting it. Having mindfulness is a key tool to actually understanding yourself accurately.
Dunlap suggests paying mindful attention to what you spend, how satisfied you are with the purchase, and how you were feeling when you made the decision. Do you purchase out of anxiety, when you’re in emotional distress, or from a place of centered decision making? If you pay attention, you’ll likely notice many different things.
I decided to personally try out her money tracking activity for a month and I was surprised at what it clarified for me. Each time I spent money on a physical thing, I had way less satisfaction than when I spent it on experiences (a nice dinner out, an upcoming trip, etc.). It's made it so much easier for me to say no to things that I consider buying without feeling like I'm depriving myself -- I'm not saying no because I have to be a "better spender" but rather because it's just not the thing that I actually feel is worth the value I'm spending it on
Putting it Into Practice
Let’s talk about how you can start playing around with mindfulness in your own financial life. Here’s a few ideas:
Practice Delayed Gratification: Before making a purchase, practice delaying immediate gratification. Give yourself time to reflect on whether the item aligns with your values and long-term goals. This could mean waiting 24 hours before finalizing a purchase decision. Delaying gratification allows for more thoughtful consideration and helps curb impulse spending.
Cultivate Gratitude and Contentment: Shift your focus towards gratitude for what you already have rather than constantly seeking more. Take time to appreciate the non-material aspects of your life, such as relationships, experiences, and personal growth. When considering a purchase, reflect on whether it genuinely adds value to your life or if it's driven by external pressures or fleeting desires.
Keep a Spending Log with Emotional Check-Ins: Track your expenses and maintain a spending log to monitor your financial habits for a period of time such as a few weeks or a month (this is one of the exercises she provides in the book!). Make it a practice to check in with yourself about how you feel after each purchase. Note your emotional reactions and reflections on whether the purchase brought lasting satisfaction or temporary gratification. This process of emotional check-ins can help you become more aware of your spending patterns and identify areas where adjustments may be needed to align your spending with your values and goals.
Read “Financial Feminist”: Spending time with the content Dunlap make so accessible in the book and giving yourself space to think about your finances is a practice in mindfulness in and of itself. Read the book, talk about it with your friends or therapist, and begin putting it into practice. If you find yourself anxious or overwhelmed, be mindful of those feelings — practice awareness and acceptance. As you become better able to see and tolerate where things are, you’ll begin to have the ability to make choices and progress.
Conclusion
It’s no surprise I think you should read the book. Dunlap often posts reviews of her book on her accounts, and there are personal testimonials of people who were unhoused that were able to save and get to a better financial spot by putting her advice into action, so this it isn’t just for people who make a lot of money. You can start this journey no matter where you are — the sooner the better. This is a five out of five stars in my opinion. For anyone who’s serious about making financial changes in their life, no matter what their starting point, use it as a tool. Read it, share it, talk about it in your therapy sessions. Let's embrace the journey towards financial well-being and break the taboo surrounding money conversations.