Anger is good?
Anger is one of those emotions that you either hate or love.
For some people, anger feels easier to experience than the sad or powerless feelings it’s hiding. That’s why sometimes anger has been labeled a “secondary emotion” – an emotion that distracts from the “real” emotion underneath.
For other people, feeling their anger is scary or forbidden. They might even feel like anger is absent – if they check in with themselves, they can’t really remember times they felt anger. Maybe frustrated or annoyed, but not angry.
It’s common for people who have experienced relational trauma to fully suppress their anger. Anger is the emotion that tells us things have to change and where boundaries need to be set. In environments where you are powerless to make change and can’t set boundaries, anger has nowhere to go and can eventually be ignored or disconnected. If expressing anger or setting boundaries had the potential to cause danger in your environment, anger could be suppressed as a survival strategy to keep you safe.
If suppressing anger was associated with survival, even years after leaving the dangerous situation, you might still instinctively feel anger is forbidden, bad, or evil. This is compounded if the abusive people in your life hurt you with their anger. Your own anger might be absent, and the only example of anger you see is from people who were harmful and out of control.
If you’ve had such a negative example, it might be challenging to identify the good aspects of feeling angry. Let’s explore together why anger is so important and how it can be a force of good in our lives.
Anger helps us set boundaries. If you don’t like to be touched and a friend is constantly coming up and hugging you from behind, you may notice yourself starting to feel angry. That’s good! That anger is telling you someone has violated your boundaries. You need space, and the anger is telling you that you should have that space.
Anger gives you energy to make change. That very same anger that gave you a clue that you needed to set a boundary is also there to give you the energy to speak up and set it. Sticking to the safe and status quo is harder to do when you feel angry. If your boss grossly mishandles a situation at work and is abusing employees, your anger may be the energy that helps you work through the fear of reporting them. Anger is the energy that powers protests and advocacy for social justice.
Anger can be pleasurable. The energy buzzing around in your body and the adrenaline in your veins can feel like a high. It can be empowering. This is why some people prefer anger to other negative emotions – it can truly feel good. While it’s important to make space for all emotions and not always default to anger, if you have trouble feeling your anger, it’s okay to give yourself a moment to experience your own sense of agency and strength.
Anger gives you a voice. When people see that you are angry, it will give them a cue that it’s important to attention and take you seriously. If you are chronically ignored, or if you are speaking about injustice that needs to be attended to, or you are feeling hurt or in pain, anger can amplify your voice. You deserve to be heard.
If we understand why anger is so important, it makes sense to allow it a healthy space in our emotional life. How can you tell if you are letting it have that healthy space? Here are three signs that you may need to work to repair your relationship with anger:
It’s absent: In this post we’ve discussed why anger may go missing. If you can’t access your anger, that’s a sign that you may have a complicated relationship with this emotion. This is a great time to reflect on what messages you’ve received about anger and what role it’s played in your life – you can do this by journaling, talking with people who know you well, or talking with your therapist.
You use anger as an excuse: Anger is an emotion that provides you with important information, but it’s not an excuse for inappropriate behavior. You are still responsible for your actions, even when you feel angry. If you find yourself using anger as an excuse for violating others’ boundaries, intimidating others, or to get a pass for being abusive, this is another sign you need to seek help to repair your relationship with anger.
You only turn your anger towards yourself: You might have an easy time feeling anger, but feel it primarily towards yourself. When you make a regretful choice or look at your life, you use your anger as a way of beating down on yourself. Feeling chronically angry towards yourself can lead to feelings of low self esteem and depression. One of anger’s most healthy potentials is to help you set boundaries and take action in your world – it needs to flow out of you.
“If you are chronically ignored, or if you are speaking about injustice that needs to be attended to, or you are feeling hurt or in pain, anger can amplify your voice. You deserve to be heard.”
Yes, it’s true that sometimes anger is a “secondary” emotion that covers for sadness or some other emotion that makes you feel weak. People may use their anger to try to avoid those places. But that’s not the only thing anger can be.
Anger is also a primary emotion – a very important one. It keeps you safe, can give you clarity, and can provide the energy needed to make necessary changes in your life and in the world.
Let’s celebrate healthy expressions of anger in ourselves and others.
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