Why Do Therapists Always Ask About Your Childhood?

“So tell me about your childhood…”

A very stereotypical therapist question. A classic, even.

It’s the kind of statement that might make you hesitant to share something with a therapist. You don’t want everything you say to be brought back to your mom or dad or something difficult that happened when you were a kid.

And that’s a completely fair thing to say. People are far too complex for the answer to be simply, "Oh you must be that way because of some childhood trauma.” Case closed.

Anxiety, depression, psychological pain, difficulty with intimacy — these things always have multiple causes. Among them could be genetics, a medical condition, your current situation, more recent life events, systemic injustices, the list goes on and on.

So why is it still likely that at some point in therapy your childhood will come up?

“Our brains run on patterns.”

Our brains run on patterns. Understanding patterns in the world helps our brains save time and learn how to keep us safe. When a person comes to therapy, it’s often because a particular pattern is problematic.

For some people, every time a friend says they aren’t free to hang out, they start to overthink things, feel anxious, and worry the relationship is about to end.

For others, every time they get emotionally close to a romantic partner, they suddenly lose interest and break up.

Or for some, every time they seem to finally be about to succeed at something they’ve tried at numerous times, they repeat their failure yet again.

So the question we naturally ask when we are trying to address these problematic patterns is, “Where did this pattern start?”

And that’s how we get back to, “Tell me about your childhood.”

The first place we learn about relationships, our identity, our capabilities, emotions, etc. is (by definition) in our childhood. Right at the very beginning. Often with our parents/caregivers and siblings.

Understanding the base of the story gives us insight into the ways patterns are built on or reinforced by other events, relationships, systems, or traumas.

It’s totally okay to expect that the exploration won’t just stop at trying to understand your formative years. Your whole story, whole world, all of the factors that contribute to your struggles and successes — it’s all important.

But by virtue of being the place where patterns first were able to be created, childhood holds a special spot in the journey of self-discovery and healing.

It’s certainly not the end of the story, but it is the beginning of it.