How do I stop hurting the people who love me?
Let’s say you come to me and you say, “I’ve realized that in my relationship I keep hurting my girlfriend. It’s not good, it’s my fault and I want to stop.” Or, you say to me, “In my close relationships, with siblings and friends and my boyfriend, sometimes I become physically aggressive.” Maybe, “I know I’m manipulative, and I don’t like it.” Or, “I don’t know why I say the mean things that I say.”
Basically you’re at a point where you realize you keep hurting the people you love in some way. It might be emotional pain, or physical abuse. You might emotionally disappear or lash out. You see your behavior and even though you’re not ok with it, it keeps popping up. Not just this relationship, but others in the past too.
May be you even feel discouraged. Like this is a pattern that you aren’t going to be able to change. No matter how much effort you’ve put into it in the past, even though you think you’ve changed — you find yourself here all over again.
What could it sound like to talk to a therapist about this part of yourself?
Starting Point
First, we need to start by recognizing we are on the right track in a very big way because there’s a good chunk of people who aren’t even asking your question. There are genuinely lots of people in the world who harm others and don’t care, and that’s much more difficult to work with. It’s so much harder to change.
Side note: There’s reasons why some people don’t care — ranging anywhere from antisocial personality disorder (sometimes labeled as sociopathy), to complete lack of insight due to difficulty with perspective taking or emotional blindness, to being in a trauma survival mode that shapes the way they process the world, to extreme mental illness or even narcissistic personality traits. There’s lots of options. And for people in this space, the hope is for them to get to a place of recognizing and valuing the impact they have on others around them.
But that’s not your starting point, you’re here because you recognize it and it matters to you. So we are starting from a place of working with strengths of yours, whether big or small — empathy, compassion for others, self-reflection and insight.
Next, we need to look at the results of your actions up to this point. You might be aware that you have bad or mixed intentions towards those you care about— but it’s also entirely possible that you have good intentions towards the people you care about. Again, by virtue of having this conversation that tells me that you do on some level want good things for the people in your life — you don’t want them to be mistreated, even by you. You also might be aware that you don’t want to lose them in your life, or have them feel negatively towards you. So we will sum it up by saying, in the midst of a mix of motives, you DO have good intentions.
However, that doesn’t mean your actions aren’t causing real damage. So the next thing we need to do is sit with that reality, and not make excuses for it. To just let it be what it is.
We have to understand, accept, and hold the tension between two concepts: impact and intention.
Intention vs. Impact
Let’s look at an example. We’ll keep it pretty simple — let’s just say we are both in the kitchen cooking something. I absentmindedly step on your toes and bruise your foot.
My intention was not to cause you harm — what I did was pretty unconscious.
But regardless of what my intention was — good or bad — your foot still hurts. That’s the impact. That just is what it is. No matter how much I apologize or explain what I was trying to do or why I was trying to do it or the reason I didn’t see your foot … The impact is still that you have a bruise. That’s it.
We have to acknowledge and accept that even likely with good intentions, your behavior has caused pain. You know that. It may mean you’ve lost trust that has to be rebuilt — or that can’t be rebuilt. You may have just lost a relationship all together. We might not have the option of getting that specific relationship back, it may just be over.
There’s a really good chance as we talk about this right now you’re feeling an immense amount of shame about it. And fear. Or anger (maybe towards yourself, or towards someone else). And that brings us to the next step.
“We have to acknowledge and accept that even likely with good intentions, your behavior has caused pain.”
Self Compassion
This may feel like a sharp and unexpected pivot, but hang with me. If you’re still tracking with me, it’s likely because your top priority right now is stopping the behavior that’s hurting those you love. So we have to approach this from the perspective of what actually leads to different outcomes. This make seem counter-intuitive, but we actually need you to have self-compassion as our foundation. Why’s that?
If you don’t have self-compassion, you will end up in either a shame spiral or anger spiral. It will cripple your ability to understand what’s going on and why this is happening. If that’s the case, we can never move forward. It’s not functional. It doesn’t help you. It doesn’t help your loved one. Leave that shame filled mindset behind.
It’s also just a proven fact that humans work better when we are operating from a place of security, encouragement, and collaboration. So I’ll need you to collaborate with yourself to move through the next parts of this process — it’s where things get hard. If you’re not on your own team, we won’t be able to get very far.
Bonus reason (that for me really comes first): I dunno, maybe you, like all other people on the planet, deserve to be understood and related to in the context of compassion and love … Is it just me that thinks that or…? Do you think that for other people but not yourself? I’m not a fan of double standards. OR do you not give that to yourself or others? Let’s try something new then — in my experience, this is going to work so much better.
Don’t worry, we are already started with, and are not taking back, that your actions have had a negative impact. And on people you love. We may still yet have to make difficult choices to create new behavior patterns and stop old ones. All of that is still on the table.
What’s worse is there may be some damage done that we can’t fix. There may need to be some boundaries in place to keep you and others safe.
If you don’t know yet why you are violent towards others and you don’t have a track record of finding different ways to manage the triggers for that behavior — you should not be living with the people you’ve been violent with. You will need some physical distance from them.
If you’ve manipulated or emotionally hurt or physically hurt a partner or friend, it’s possible they might have made the decision they don’t want to continue in relationship with you at this time or maybe ever. You have to respect that, and accept that as a result of your actions.
We are engaging in this process for YOU, so that you can live a different life with different relationship patterns in your future. We aren’t doing this only for or primarily for another person (this is another place self-compassion comes in handy — we need you to care about you as the motivator for the change!).
But you’re not a monster. You’re not uniquely evil compared to any other human. You have behavior that has caused you and others some kind of harm, but guess what — to varying degrees every person at some point or other causes harm through their behavior or choices. You’re in good company. With that, let’s get to work.
“It’s not functional. It doesn’t help you. It doesn’t help your loved one. Leave that shame filled mindset behind.”
Understanding You
This is the part where we start to understand you better, because we can’t just throw solutions at something unless we understand better where it’s coming from. All behavior serves a purpose. We aren’t that random as human beings. So the next thing we need to do is assume that you don’t want to do harm to others just to do harm to others, and figure out why you engage in these behaviors. What purpose does it serve for you?
Let’s look at some options we might explore:
1. Substance Use: Does your harmful behavior occur in the context of substance use? Alcohol, energy drinks, marijuana, heroin … the list goes on. Substances alter your brain chemistry and take away your ability to make choices. If you’re under the influence, the part of the brain that controls your behavior and makes good choices is essentially shut off or severely impaired.
What do I do? My guess is you know the answer. If you really want change, and you actually want to stop hurting the ones you love, you will have to address your substance use. Likely in substance use treatment, possibly with medical help, possibly in support groups. You’ll likely have to stop using that substance. The even better news (sarcasm) is that after you do that, you may find that your substance use was medicating something else — and then you’ll have to address that too… Lots of fun. It’s hard, but you can do it, one step at a time. Remember: one of the first steps of substance use treatment is actually getting yourself to a place where you feel wiling to change. So if you don’t immediately or consistently feel like you’re ready to change your substance use, take that to therapy and talk about it — you’re actually already in process.
2. When You’re Overwhelmed: Does your harmful behavior occur when your schedule is packed or you’ve just encountered emotionally complicated people in your family or when you’ve had a day where everything goes wrong? You might feel overwhelmed when you have too many executive functioning tasks (bills, cleaning, planning out bigger projects, responding to email, getting ready to leave the house, organizing your files or your office, etc.) Emotional overwhelm can also impact the parts of your brain that control behavior.
What do I do?: You’re going to need to take some things off your plate, or adjust how you do things (ex. maybe instead of getting overwhelmed with trying to keep up with cleaning your house, you hire someone once a month to help you out). You might need to set boundaries with people that emotionally overwhelm you. Or boundaries with yourself and how much you put on your plate. You’ll have to ask for help. The solution makes sense and is simple to say, but difficult to do. You might need to talk it out with someone. Making these changes will take time, you just have to start somewhere.
3.When You’re Manic: If you’ve ever had a manic episode, you know you make all sorts of choices with poor judgment that you wouldn’t make if you weren’t in that state of mind. This is another brain chemistry issue. Being in a manic episode is pretty similar to being on drugs.
What do I do? You need immediate medical and mental health care. Please take your medications. Consistently. Don’t stop, even if you feel better. The best hope for mitigating the damage manic episodes cause you and other people is to take your meds. Because manic episodes chemically alter your judgment, nothing we talk about while you’re not in your manic episode is guaranteed to still be mentally accessible to you when you’re manic. Once your mood is stabilized with meds, then we can see what behaviors that cause harm are left and work from there.
4. In The Middle of an OCD Spiral: You may find that to manage intrusive thoughts about germs, health, a need for preciseness or balance, fears that you’re a predator or bad in some way (and the list of possibilities go on and on), there is a set of rules or behaviors that you engage in. It could be cleaning, seeking reassurance from yourself or others, or even a specific logical thought process you go through internally. If that process is interrupted or involves another person, you may treat people around you in ways that you wish you didn’t.
What do I do? If you’ve never explored an OCD diagnosis, I’d recommend talking to a therapist qualified to diagnose OCD. Once you know if that diagnosis is a fit, there’s really good news. There are treatments that are highly effective for OCD, including medication and/or Exposure Response Prevention therapy (ERP) and CBT-I. You can do any combination of the above.
5. When you Have Psychosis: If you have a mental health condition that includes psychotic features (hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, etc.), when those symptoms are present you may act and behave in ways you wouldn’t in your right mind. Psychotic symptoms aren’t a choice you make, they are results of your brain chemistry.
What do I do? 1. Make sure you and others are safe. If you cannot guarantee the safety of yourself or others, you will need to get yourself to an inpatient hospital program (or other suitable setting) and/or not be in physical proximity to those who you harm (this might mean living apart from loved ones for a time and in a setting the offers the proper supports). This is a temporary but necessary place to start until you are stabilized and set up with a treatment plan that is working for you.
2. Work with your treatment team. You will need to work with a therapist and a psychiatrist, show up to your appointments, and TAKE PRESCRIBED MEDICATION. No matter what you learn or how much self control you have when your psychotic symptoms aren’t present, we have no control what your brain will do when its chemistry is unbalanced. The key for long term success is taking the medications you need and continuing to participate in your treatment plan.
6. When You Feel Close to Someone: Maybe you only notice your harmful behavior when you start to get close to someone (this is often true in romantic relationships, but could also be true of close friendships as well). Maybe in the past close relationships have been a space where you’ve been deeply hurt, or maybe the only example of close relationships you’ve witnessed is distant or toxic. If that’s the case, you may perceive vulnerability as a bad thing, as only a risk for harm that needs to be addressed instead of an opportunity to develop trust, connection, and support. If you tend to engage in hurtful or withdrawn behavior as you get closer to people, the behavior may be serving as a way of pushing people from you so that you don’t feel vulnerable and to protect you from what feels like an inevitable bad outcome.
What do I do? Therapy that addresses attachment or relational patterns will be helpful for you — this could include psychodynamic, psychoanalytic, or internal family systems styles of therapy. Engaging in a relationship with your therapist in a neutral space can help you explore and develop new patterns around closeness. Eventually you will need to apply that to your life outside of therapy too — first with small things, and then bigger things as you’re more comfortable over time. Sharing with your partner how you feel, opening up to your trusted friends, asking for help and support, etc.
7. When You Feel Out of Control, Disrespected, Jealous, or Ashamed: These emotions and experiences may be triggers for you and they can come from many different places. The first obvious place to look would be childhood trauma, relational trauma, and other traumatic experiences. Your body may perceive feeling these emotions as dangerous and you might protectively lean towards the fight response in “fight or flight.” It could also be related to false beliefs and ideas about gender that you were raised with, particularly masculinity. It may be triggers connected to mood disorders like bipolar, other mental health conditions (like personality disorders or anxiety), or specific things you learned in watching other people’s relationships.
What do I do? It will all depend on why those emotions or experiences are triggers for you. There are treatments for trauma including exposure therapy, cognitive processing therapy, EMDR, psychodynamic therapy, and internal family systems therapy. You can also explore treatment for any other mental health condition that may be part of the trigger. If it’s related to unhelpful and inaccurate beliefs about gender or relationships, you can explore those beliefs in individual or group therapy, talk to others who think differently than you, read books or listen to podcasts, or engage in self reflection, like journaling and meditation. There may be another reason these experiences are triggers for you, and that is something you could explore in the context of therapy so you can understand better where it’s coming from. This is the broadest category, and is definitely not covered comprehensively here.
8. When You Feel Unsafe: 1 in 3 women (1) and 1 in 9 men (2) experience domestic violence. Your harmful or abusive behavior may occurring in response to another person’s harmful and abusive behavior. The behavior may be protective, a way of asserting your dignity, or even a way of expressing helplessness, being pushed to your psychological limit, or anger. It’s telling you this situation is not right and is not livable.
What do I do? If it’s possible, you need to leave the abusive situation. Things will continue to escalate. The part of you that’s acting this way is probably not going to stop while you are still in a situation that is truly physically or psychologically unsafe. If you are unable to get out of the situation at this moment, the main thing we would need to do is start figuring out how to take steps towards making that a future reality. In the meantime, we can see if there are other survival methods we could swap in, but there is no guarantee that that will work if things stay the same. After you’re in a physically, sexually, and psychologically safe place, then we can work on the trauma healing and treatment process.
Wrapping It Up For Now
Clearly this blog article is NOT a substitute for therapy or advice from your actual therapist. Hopefully if you’ve made it to the end, you have some more imagination around how to think of yourself and what’s going on. Some clues to help you on your journey. Maybe even some hope that, even if it is difficult, there is a path forward.
This cycle that you find inside yourself and your relationships can be understood and changed. You do need to take responsibility for and accept the consequences of your actions, but part of that also involves understanding yourself. So that you can learn how to move forward and behave differently (one of the best ways to honor the damage already done is to prevent it from happening again the future). And so that you can have a richer life with richer relationships.
References:
https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/violence-against-women
https://www.healthline.com/health/domestic-violence-against-men