If it wasn’t a cult, why is this still so hard?

There are loads of documentaries, books, tv shows, and news media that focus on the experiences of people who are in or who have left religious cults. It’s often depicted as bizarre, dangerous, and scary. But documentary level abusive religion isn’t the only kind that can have a deep and lasting impact on a person. 

You may have been a part of a religious community that left you feeling hurt, ashamed, or isolated in a way that has affected many aspects of your life. Even after leaving this community you might feel wrong when you enjoy sex or make friends outside your faith or when you watch an rated R movie. You might find yourself overwhelmed by things about history or science that you were taught completely differently – or not at all! Feelings of sadness, existential anxiety, or anger might still be overwhelming, even after you’ve left years ago. Or, you might still be trying to leave a religious community and not know how to detach, even though it hasn’t felt like a good fit for a long time.

If you identify with those experiences, there’s a good chance the religious community you were in was a “high cost” religious system.

What is a high cost religious system? 

Not all religious systems are “high cost.” If you’re someone recovering from traumatic religious experiences, you might notice other people who have a healthier relationship with their faith communities — that don’t seem traumatized or unhappy. People that feel free to ask questions, disagree with their spiritual leaders, or to skip church just because they feel like it without shame or fear.

Evangelicalism (and other forms of fundamentalist Christianity)  often breed high cost religious environments. Any group that demands obedience and extreme loyalty, elevates itself above and is suspicious of outsiders, and requires your full identity has a unique kind of impact on your mind and development. Leaving this kind of group feels like literally leaving one reality for another.

If you spent a lot of time wondering if you were allowed to be friends with "non-Christians," trying to figure out who was "really Christian,”, wrestled for countless hours about when actions crossed the line into becoming sinful, or criticized yourself for having questions/doubts instead of complete faith, you may have been in a high cost religious community.

Let’s break down a few aspects of high cost religion and look at how it might look different in spaces that aren’t high cost: 

Demands Obedience: This can look like controlling the way you dress (are pants allowed for women???), what you say (don’t use curse words!), the way you date and find a spouse (courting? Are you allowed to kiss other people before marriage?), how you spend your time, and more. 

How could it be different?  There’s nothing wrong with believing that how you live your life matters – that your actions, habits, and values should be mindfully considered and shaped. The problem becomes when the religious community is trying to influence you via shame and control. It’s possible to say, “I think this way of talking and living and acting is good and important, and that’s why I do things this way.” without telling others that they aren’t welcome and accepted in the community if they don’t comply. Leading by example and allowing others to decide for themselves what to imitate allows for less religious abuse while simultaneously creating the space for deeper change.

Discourages Questions or Doubts: If you’ve ever asked a question or raised a concern and it’s been completely deflected, given a superficial answer, shut down, or even resulted in you being shamed for “not having enough faith or trust,” you’ve experienced this aspect of a high cost religious community. 

How could it be different? Discouraging questions signals that a belief system is fragile and can’t hold up against reality. Healthy religious communities can validate all questions, hold tension, and even say, “I don’t know.” Questions and doubts can be encouraged and engaged with genuinely – engaging with these ideas can make faith come alive.

Expects Complete Loyalty: The religious community might expect that you choose them over family functions, side with them even in scandals (and cover them up), or expect you to give them all of your time. No questions asked.

How could it be different? Churches shouldn’t expect that members cover up scandals or excuse their bad behavior – they should welcome being held accountable. There can be an understanding that people have other meaningful commitments outside of the community and even support investment in friendships, family, and other aspects of identity (and not have to see that as taking place outside of religious life). 

Mistrusts Outsiders: If you’ve ever wondered if you’re allowed to have friends that aren’t in your church, or that aren’t in your faith (“non-Christians”), you’ve experienced this mistrust. Are you allowed to see a therapist who isn’t Christian? Were you taught to have a strong preference for doing business with and hiring fellow Christians? These are all ways of internalizing a mistrust of outsiders.

How could it be different? Churches could encourage diverse friend groups and use their community space to break down stereotypes. They can be involved in interfaith and ecumenical activities.

Group Superiority: This is the idea that your group is the one true group. Other faiths aren’t valid expressions of a relationship with God. Maybe even other subgroups within your faith aren’t “really Christian” or aren’t doing Christianity the right way. 

How could it be different?  If you’re not a high cost religious system, you can still have beliefs and boundaries. You can still believe things firmly. None of that is bad.  Instead of saying that other groups don’t take their faith seriously or do it correctly, it might just sound something like, “I find this way of doing a worship service to be the most compelling” or “I feel most connected to this tradition/liturgy.” Or even, “I think this belief or way of doing things captures something true and it’s my best guess at what we should be doing.” 

Leaving a high cost religious space might mean you decide you need to leave religion altogether. Or, you might need some temporary space away to process and deal with your religious trauma. Many people continue to feel the need to have a space that engages in the type of community, meaning making, and spirituality that are often provided by church communities.

The good news is that there absolutely are ways of having religious community that aren’t high cost or fundamentalist. Only you will know if and when that’s something that would be helpful for you to explore – each person will have a different answer to that question.

Regardless of whether you’ve left, want to leave, want to reform, or want to return to your faith, one thing that unites people who have experienced high cost religion is the impact that their time inside the community has had on them – including a feeling of loss and pain. High cost religion demands a person’s entire identity — so leaving and losing friendships, community, feelings of certainty, a way of life, answers to big existential questions, etc is a big deal. 

Many people describe leaving as a lifelong process of re-forming a whole new identity. Know that if you still have moments where you notice the impact of these communities – you’re not alone, it’s completely normal, and it’s all part of the journey. There is pain, confusion, and discomfort in the process of leaving, but also freedom, joy, and opportunity for a whole new chapter of your journey.

To learn more check out the Instagram posts “What is high cost religion?” and “Leaving high cost religion”