Why how you think about ADHD matters
Early in September, I had the opportunity to work with a local non-profit, Miriam’s Heart, to open a conversation about how parents can better understand their children who have ADHD. Miriam’s Heart provides resources and support to families who are in the process of fostering and adopting — and many of those kids are diagnosed with ADHD. In my therapy practice I do a lot of work with people who are neurodiverse, both with children and adults.
One thing I’ve noticed in my work with adult clients who are diagnosed with ADHD is that they often struggle with internalized negative messages about themselves. They believe they are lazy, rebellious, unintelligent, incapable, or doomed to fail.
Frequently these messages are connected to memories of teachers and parents who directly told them these things — who assumed they didn’t complete homework because they didn’t care, instead of holding that they were trying desperately to focus on the task but kept getting distracted. Or who were angry because they didn’t complete the three simple chores around the house and didn’t understand that they genuinely didn’t remember the things they were asked to do. The examples go on and on.
ADHD is a biological condition in the brain that interrupts a person’s ability to focus, to plan out and break down tasks, to sit still, to slow down impulsive behaviors, and more. There is no amount of “trying harder” that will erase these challenges (though there are medications and helpful strategies that are incredibly useful in creative management and adaptation).
The important thing to remember is that none of these difficulties are related to a lack of trying or a lack of character. ADHD is also not related to intelligence — so even if children with ADHD are struggling to get good grades, they may be just as smart or smarter than their peers, but just never get that validation.
It’s excruciating to be trying your hardest and doing the best you can but to get the feedback that you are lazy, disobedient, or not smart. Children with ADHD might be trying twice as hard as other children, and if they’re told they’re not trying at all, to reconcile the difference, they will often just believe what they are told.
If no matter how hard you try, you’re told you’re not trying, then at some point it makes sense to stop trying. If you do your best, but always get bad grades, you’ll assume you aren’t smart. It’s just natural.
“The important thing to remember is that none of these difficulties are related to a lack of trying or a lack of character”
And this is why it’s so crucial for caretakers and influential adults in the lives of kids and teens with ADHD to understand as much as they can about how ADHD works and what it impacts. This way you can work with the child to develop strategies, receive accommodations, and find treatments that are helpful for them. When we do that, we create the possibility for kids with ADHD to grow into adults who know who they are, who love themselves, who have problem solving strategies that are effective, and who recognize what a profound strength their unique gifts and perspectives are.
If you’re looking to start or continue the journey of understanding your child’s ADHD (or if you are an adult with ADHD who is looking to have some corrective understanding), feel free to check out the Youtube workshop created for the Miriam’s Heart community linked here: